Magpie Safety Techniques

I am terrified of magpies, they are scary little fuckers. Even when I know it's not their breeding season, I try to avoid them at all costs. Ever since I realised I was scared of them, I've tested out a number of safety techniques. Here they are...

The Stack Hat
Remember how cool stack hats were when you were riding your bike as a kid? Well they are still cool now, plus they provide awesome protection from angry magpies. If you think you're "too grown up" for stack hats, think of the possibilities, you can put stickers and pirate flags on there. I know awesome right?
Umbrella
Umbrellas aren't just to stop you from getting wet in the rain! They not only protect you from magpies, they help you catch the little bastards and throw them away. The bonus of the umbrella is if your'e with someone else, you can protect them too under your umbrella...ella...ella...eh..eh


Lightsaber
I don't need to explain the advantages of the Lightsaber, it will fuck those magpies up big time! It really doesn't matter if you're a Jedi a bad guy or just some lucky bastard who found a lightsaber at a garage sale, it's awesome at killing magpies.


Collingwood football jumper
I've found that if I wear a Collingwood football jumper, magpies don't attack me. I guess magpies are loyal to their team or something. I really have no explanation but it works.


Medieval Shield
I admit that they are a little heavy, but if you want to fuck a magpie up a medieval shield is the way to go. If a magpie flies into one of these they will have a massive headache at the very least. It's more likely that the magpie will be flattened to a pancake on impact.
I highly recommend these things, they are super effective. However, I do no recommend the following...

Scare Crow
Scare Crows do not scare magpies, only crows. If you put a scare cow in your back yard, or carry a portable one around with you, magpies will still attack.


This is end of blog. Excuse my French, I just really hate magpies.

Emma's Book Club.

I, unlike some people, have a fully functioning brain. That's why I have a very specific and fool-proof zombie plan. I like my brain, I don't want any undead creatures eating it. One of my favourite ways to stimulate my brain, is to read, I love reading. Subsequently, I have read a lot of books. Some of them are good, some are bad and some are awful.

Below are eight books that I have read and, for the most part, enjoyed. I've included a less then 100 word plot summary for each* and my personal rating...

1984 - George Orwell
Big Brother watches everyone. Anyone who thinks abnormally gets fucked up. You think one guy is going to start a revolution. He doesn't
Rating: Awesome read!

The Catcher in The Rye - J.D Salinger
A kid with the same name as a car thinks he's top shit. He plans to run away from home. Before he leaves, he realises he's a douche bag and stays.
Rating: If you're filled with teenage angst, you will think it's about you!

Fight Club - Chuck Palahnuik
A guy becomes friends with another guy. They start Fight Club. You can't talk about fight club. Fight Club expands into a mad rebellion and the members make soap. The guy realises he is schizophrenic and the other guy doesn't exist. Shit blows up.
Rating: I loved this book so much, I've read it a few times.

A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
An "ultra-violent" kid named Alex is a guinea pig in an experiment to stop violent crime. He physically can't be violent any more. This sucks for him. He tries to kill himself. He becomes normal after that. Like clockwork.
Rating: Google may be needed to translate the made up slang. Great read though.

Animal Farm - George Orwell
A bunch of animals take over a farm. Four legs good, two legs bad. Sheep are dumb. Pigs walk on their hind legs. Two legs good, four legs bad. Pigs act like humans and then turn into them.
Rating: It's a really short book that I read in an hour, purely because I couldn't put it down.

The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde
A hot guy wants to be youthful for ever. A painting of him, takes on his aging and sins. He becomes a bad ass player. He's dead now.
Rating:Good book, Disappointing ending. MA 15 + not recommended for children under the age of 15 years old.

Monkey Grip - Helen Garner
A woman dates a junkie. They break up. They get back together. They break up. They get back together. They break up. They get back together. They break up. They get back together. They break up.
Rating: Book could have ended sooner or kept going, it would still be the same ending. Read if you are a fan of repetition.

Carrie - Stephen King
A girl gets picked on by all the cool kids. She gets her period in the school shower. Her mum's a bitch. She is voted prom queen as a prank. Pigs blood gets dropped on her. She goes on a rampage and fucks everyone up with her magic powers.
Rating: The part where she fucks everyone up is intense!


* May contain spoilers.

Hey! it's okay...

I'm stealing this from Cleo, but Cleo stole this off Glamour. And two wrongs make a right so...

Hey! It's okay...

- to fart in a crowded place then walk away... it's hilarious!

- to eat a toasted ham and cheese sandwich if you're vegetarian... ham is awesome!

- to only know how to spell "glamorous" by silently singing G...L...A...M...O...R...O...U...S... to yourself.

- to play Call of Duty for hours when you have an assignment due the next day.

- to skip class because you didn't finish your assignment but just stay home and play Call of Duty for hours again.

- to use "ya mum" as plausible answer to anything.

- to pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars... 'cause you could really use a wish right now.

- to idolise Ricky from Trailer Park Boys... he's so bad ass.

- to hate Kevin Bacon purely because of Footloose.

- to end you blog a little short because your laptop's running out of battery.

In a Barbie World.

Barbie, my childhood role model and friend. She's incredible, she can do pretty much everything. Once she was a dentist and she's gone into space. I remember I use to have a pregnant Barbie, you flip her tummy and there is a baby in there. I had a mermaid Barbie too. I also remember Barbie being racially confused, she has been black a few times.

Reminiscing about Barbie and all the things she has done, and will continue to do, made me think about what Barbie will never do or become. I have thought of some Barbies that will never make it to the store...

Feminazi Barbie

If Feminazi Barbie were to be sold, the only person in the world who would buy her is Germaine Greer. Feminazi Barbie comes with a burning bra and a few catch phrases about how men suck and the power of equality (equality meaning women are more equal than men.)


Jailbird Barbie


Of course, Barbie would never go to jail. She's too good, she's a saint! Although, I have heard rumours of Matel releasing Drug Mule Barbie, so you never know. So when Drug Mule Barbie become Jailbird Babie, she comes complete with jail clothes, dirty prison tatts and shank.

Homeless Barbie



Due to Barbie's impressive CV, there is no chance she will ever be unemployed. And she's been a princess before, so I'm sure you can go back to that. But if Barbie ever becomes homeless, she comes with dirty, scrungy clothes and asks passers by for change. Plus her hair is ratty.

Transvestite Ken


Now, I'm not completely convinced that Ken isn't gender confused. However; Transvestite Ken wears a pretty skirt, pink singlet top, love heart necklace and a so totally cute hair bow. You can buy more clothes and accessories separately for Ken.

Garbo Barbie


Wearing ugly, green overalls to protect her pretty clothes from getting dirty, Garbo Barbie comes with a trash can. Garbage truck is sold separately. But of course, Barbie would never be a garbo, it's not a very glamorous job.

I hate dying from not passing on chain mail!

Because I am a human, person, I dislike things. Fishing is something I dislike along with Twilight and spiders. It's all part of being homosapien (note the word homosapien is not recognised by the firefox dictionary, it asked me if I meant homosexual, homosomethingelse or homosomthingicantpronounce, so odd.) it's in our nature.

One of the things I dislike most is when I die from not forwarding on chain mail... Actually I think dislike is too light a word, hate would be more accurate. I hate dying from not passing on chain mail! Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that this blog is going to be hilarious and witty. Well you're wrong! This is serious, dying because I didn't pass on chain mail really, fucking, sucks!

It all started when I was a naive teenager. I recieved a chain email with some kind of annoying poem and At the end, it said that if I passed it on to 7 people and make a wish it would come true within five days. I followed the rules, I send it to 7 people and didn't tell anyone what my wish was. Five days later, there was no elephant in my back yard! The chain mail lied to me! From that day on, I swore never to pass on chain mail again.

I've been dying from not passing on chain mail ever since. I remember the first time I died. I was murdered by a homicidal Minnie Mouse because I didn't forward a chain mail about some girl who forgot to do her homework. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was just chilling in my room when suddenly Minnie Mouse appeared out of no where and stabbed me to death with a spork. It was brutal.

I've died many times from keeping chain mail to myself, I started to get fed up with it. So I tried filtering my mail and not reading the chain mail, but I accidentally opened one, didn't pass it on and was killed by a dead girl who was killed by a giant wombat. That was a strange experience to say the least. And once, I just randomly dropped dead.

But there is just one little thing about chain mail I don't understand. If it doesn't grant my wishes or make people fall in love with me, then how can it kill me from not passing it on? I don't know probably something weird about the universe. So pass on the link for my blog to 678 people or a Malibu Barbie will come into your room at night and kill you!

The Snozberries taste like Snozberries.

Many people dream of living in a mansion, or some sort of island paradise. But mansions and island paradises are overrated. They get boring after a while. I want to live in the Wonka factory. Living there would be so amazing and so much fun. Every day would be an adventure.

There is that awesome room, where everything is made of candy. Everything is edible! I would skip around all day, eating candy. And because of some magical Wonka factory magic, that I am unable to explain, I would never, ever get fat! Amazing!

I would never be alone in the Wonka factory. The Oompa Lumpas live there! They would do all my chores for me, I'd never have to do the dishes again! I'd have so much fun with those little orange men, singing songs and chillin' together.

My bedroom, would be on a house boat that floats around on the chocolate river. After a hard day of adventure and amazement, I would go and chill out on the chocolate river boat. As long as I don't fall overboard, into the river, I'd be totally sweet there. Even if I did fall into the river, my Oompa Lumpa buddies would help me out.

There is something fun around every, single corner in the Wonka Factory. If I drink Fizzy Lifting Drink, I can float around with bubbles and do flips and stuff! I'd have to go through a magic door if I wanted to get any where annnnd I would be able to lick the walls with out people thinking I'm either really weird or on drugs. Plus I'd finally get to find out what snozberries would taste like.

If I ever wanted my friends to come over, I'd go and pick them up in my Wonkavator. It can go up or down, sideways, slantways, squareways, any way I want it to go. It can go any where, as long as I don't push the red button. I don't know why, but I suspect this button takes you to Jupiter. Actually, that reminds me... *Note to self: Buy some space gear, so I can go to Jupiter. He's pretty cool, he has a ring around him*

A Battlefield?

As the lyrics say "love is a battlefield." But I don't really understand this, literally or metaphorically. Who is battling who? As a female am I battling the opposite sex or those "bitches" who steal my man? There was one time that I thought I was involved in a love battle, but then I realised that pretending to kill people using the Lightsaber app. on an iphone doesn't count.

I have heard that sex can be used as a weapon, but I've never seen any sex weapons before and I'm not really sure how to use sex in combat. Is someone able to explain this to me? Actually, scrap that... I don't think I want to know.

Another thing I can't comprehend about love being a battlefield is, where the battles take place and if people use tactics? If it was a video game, would you be able to play online? Perhaps I'm just being a little robotic and take lyrics of songs way too literally.

Maybe I'm just really naive in my decision not to participate in the "love war," although I'm sure that if I did, I would fail miserably and be killed with sex weapons. So I prefer to to take things as they come and tackle them with out having to put on armour or raise my white flag. That way, no one needs to be injured dildo rifles.

The Man on the Moon!

Dear Mr. Squiggle,

I'd just like to start this letter off by telling you that I am a huge fan! It's been a while since you were on t.v and now that I am older, wiser (?) and more articulate than my four-year-old-self, I decided to ask you the questions that have always tickled my innocent curiosity.

Firstly, how did you come to have a pencil as your nose? I always thought that maybe, when you were a kid you just shoved too many pencils up your nose and eventually it became a pencil. Although I'm sure my four-year-old theories are far from accurate.

Secondly, didn't Blackboard just piss you off? I mean who is he to tell you to hurry up? Everyone knows you can't rush art, art takes time. And you're an artistic mastermind, you need to take your time. Besides you were the star of the show, I bet he was just jealous.

I was going to ask you what it's like living on the Moon, but I already know that it's would be totally awesome. Right? Any way last question I want to ask is, why did you stop visiting Earth to draw squiggles? My 11-year-old self was devastated when you stopped visiting. Actually, I still haven't gotten over it. Well what ever your reason was, I'm sure it was a good one.

Lastly, I just want to say thank you Mr Squiggle for entertaining me and sparking up the creative side of my brain. For a strange man with a pencil for a nose, you're alright. I don't care what Blackboard says.

Yours Sincerely
Emma
Devoted Fan

P.S
Here is a photo of us, enjoy!

Reasons You Will Hate Me.

Over the years, I've done some questionable things. But doesn't that go without saying? Everyone has something that has put their morals up for discussion at least once? For me well, I've taken drugs, killed people and said the word "nigger". Alcohol and coffee counts as drugs okay! And I've mercilessly killed my friends during Call of Duty battles (like two whole times!) But that's not important. My point is that there are reasons to hate anybody. And I figure that if I list my faults for all to see, people can make an informed decision when deciding weather to be my friend or not...

• I love to annoy... I really do. When someone tells me that I'm being annoying, it's fuel for my fire. I will work harder to annoy. Some may call this a personality flaw, or just plain sadistic. But hey, this entry is titled "Reasons you Will Hate me."

• I'm aware of how awesome I am... It's not because I have an over-sized ego, people have told me I'm pretty good. And when you are told something a lot, you start to really believe it. So what am I going to do, reject a compliment?

• I am completely neurotic... If you don't reply to my text or call me back, I will automatically assume you hate me. As a result I will probably make you hate me in the process of being a neurotic nut bag.

• I've been called a "Grammar Nazi"... If I notice a grammatical error on your part I will correct you. No, I don't know how irritating it is to be corrected, but try to imagine how irritating it is for me to have to endure hearing the English language being butchered. I may never go to England, but I still thinks it's important to speak English properly.
  I'm sarcastic... Yes, yes I have been told it's the lowest form of humor, but my Comedy teacher told me that there is no hierarchy in comedy. So suck it! I'll be a sarcastic bitch 'till the day I die.
  
  So other than all of the above, I'm pretty rad. Opps, there I go again.

Nice Guys Finish Last.

Dear Blog Readers, or probably more accurately... Reader.

I regret to inform you that this blog is going to be on the serious side. There is something, that I need to put out there in a wider scale than my friendship group.

I've just very recently learnt that nice people really do finish last. Trying to do right by people and being a good person rarely seems to pay off. But knowing this doesn't make me want to change my ways. I find it too hard and too much effort to be mean, deceptive or bitchy. And I believe that if you are a good person, things will eventually work out in your favour. Now, for me I guess it's just a matter of the waiting game.

I also believe that those who fuck their way through life to get what they want, will get their own back. Most of the time, those people end up screwing them selves over. And losing what they endeavoured for in the first place. It's pretty much like the story of the race between the tortoise and the hare. The Hare was so confident and deceptive, that he lost to the tortoise. The nice guy won, but he had to be patient.

I'm glad I am the way I am. I might get screwed over by other people, but at least I know that I am a better than any mean people out there. And I believe in Karma.

End of serious blog.

The Only Okay Things in Life.

It's said that the best things in life are free. I agree with that. But something I also agree with is that the best things in life can be bought, but they are a lesser quality.

For example, some people argue that you cannot buy love. It's true that you can't buy true love. But an hours lovin' from a woman named Trixie can be bought. Of course, the love will only last an hour, (unless you pay more) there will be no canoodling afterward and there will be a high risk of catching Herpes. But that love can be bought.

Money can't buy friendship. Actually money can't buy you real, true, honest, friendship. But if you're the kind of person who doesn't care about BFFs and all that jazz, then you can defiantly buy friends. These people will only be around when you offer to pay for their movie ticket or shout them a few beers. And when there is even a hint of your funds running low, these "friends" will be gone faster than you can blink. But you will still have some company for a while.

Many people will argue that you cannot buy the miracle of childbirth. Well these people just haven't heard of adoption have they? Aspiring parents can pay thousands of dollars, to adopt a child. Most of the time, the kid wont even look you. And some day, the kid will endeavour to find its "real" parents, forgetting all the years of love and encouragement you gave it. Okay that was kind of harsh, but you get my point.

So there you go, the best things in life are in fact free, but we mustn't confuse the best things in life with the only okay things in life. The only okay things are not free!