Magpie Safety Techniques

I am terrified of magpies, they are scary little fuckers. Even when I know it's not their breeding season, I try to avoid them at all costs. Ever since I realised I was scared of them, I've tested out a number of safety techniques. Here they are...

The Stack Hat
Remember how cool stack hats were when you were riding your bike as a kid? Well they are still cool now, plus they provide awesome protection from angry magpies. If you think you're "too grown up" for stack hats, think of the possibilities, you can put stickers and pirate flags on there. I know awesome right?
Umbrella
Umbrellas aren't just to stop you from getting wet in the rain! They not only protect you from magpies, they help you catch the little bastards and throw them away. The bonus of the umbrella is if your'e with someone else, you can protect them too under your umbrella...ella...ella...eh..eh


Lightsaber
I don't need to explain the advantages of the Lightsaber, it will fuck those magpies up big time! It really doesn't matter if you're a Jedi a bad guy or just some lucky bastard who found a lightsaber at a garage sale, it's awesome at killing magpies.


Collingwood football jumper
I've found that if I wear a Collingwood football jumper, magpies don't attack me. I guess magpies are loyal to their team or something. I really have no explanation but it works.


Medieval Shield
I admit that they are a little heavy, but if you want to fuck a magpie up a medieval shield is the way to go. If a magpie flies into one of these they will have a massive headache at the very least. It's more likely that the magpie will be flattened to a pancake on impact.
I highly recommend these things, they are super effective. However, I do no recommend the following...

Scare Crow
Scare Crows do not scare magpies, only crows. If you put a scare cow in your back yard, or carry a portable one around with you, magpies will still attack.


This is end of blog. Excuse my French, I just really hate magpies.