Magpie Safety Techniques

I am terrified of magpies, they are scary little fuckers. Even when I know it's not their breeding season, I try to avoid them at all costs. Ever since I realised I was scared of them, I've tested out a number of safety techniques. Here they are...

The Stack Hat
Remember how cool stack hats were when you were riding your bike as a kid? Well they are still cool now, plus they provide awesome protection from angry magpies. If you think you're "too grown up" for stack hats, think of the possibilities, you can put stickers and pirate flags on there. I know awesome right?
Umbrella
Umbrellas aren't just to stop you from getting wet in the rain! They not only protect you from magpies, they help you catch the little bastards and throw them away. The bonus of the umbrella is if your'e with someone else, you can protect them too under your umbrella...ella...ella...eh..eh


Lightsaber
I don't need to explain the advantages of the Lightsaber, it will fuck those magpies up big time! It really doesn't matter if you're a Jedi a bad guy or just some lucky bastard who found a lightsaber at a garage sale, it's awesome at killing magpies.


Collingwood football jumper
I've found that if I wear a Collingwood football jumper, magpies don't attack me. I guess magpies are loyal to their team or something. I really have no explanation but it works.


Medieval Shield
I admit that they are a little heavy, but if you want to fuck a magpie up a medieval shield is the way to go. If a magpie flies into one of these they will have a massive headache at the very least. It's more likely that the magpie will be flattened to a pancake on impact.
I highly recommend these things, they are super effective. However, I do no recommend the following...

Scare Crow
Scare Crows do not scare magpies, only crows. If you put a scare cow in your back yard, or carry a portable one around with you, magpies will still attack.


This is end of blog. Excuse my French, I just really hate magpies.

Emma's Book Club.

I, unlike some people, have a fully functioning brain. That's why I have a very specific and fool-proof zombie plan. I like my brain, I don't want any undead creatures eating it. One of my favourite ways to stimulate my brain, is to read, I love reading. Subsequently, I have read a lot of books. Some of them are good, some are bad and some are awful.

Below are eight books that I have read and, for the most part, enjoyed. I've included a less then 100 word plot summary for each* and my personal rating...

1984 - George Orwell
Big Brother watches everyone. Anyone who thinks abnormally gets fucked up. You think one guy is going to start a revolution. He doesn't
Rating: Awesome read!

The Catcher in The Rye - J.D Salinger
A kid with the same name as a car thinks he's top shit. He plans to run away from home. Before he leaves, he realises he's a douche bag and stays.
Rating: If you're filled with teenage angst, you will think it's about you!

Fight Club - Chuck Palahnuik
A guy becomes friends with another guy. They start Fight Club. You can't talk about fight club. Fight Club expands into a mad rebellion and the members make soap. The guy realises he is schizophrenic and the other guy doesn't exist. Shit blows up.
Rating: I loved this book so much, I've read it a few times.

A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
An "ultra-violent" kid named Alex is a guinea pig in an experiment to stop violent crime. He physically can't be violent any more. This sucks for him. He tries to kill himself. He becomes normal after that. Like clockwork.
Rating: Google may be needed to translate the made up slang. Great read though.

Animal Farm - George Orwell
A bunch of animals take over a farm. Four legs good, two legs bad. Sheep are dumb. Pigs walk on their hind legs. Two legs good, four legs bad. Pigs act like humans and then turn into them.
Rating: It's a really short book that I read in an hour, purely because I couldn't put it down.

The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde
A hot guy wants to be youthful for ever. A painting of him, takes on his aging and sins. He becomes a bad ass player. He's dead now.
Rating:Good book, Disappointing ending. MA 15 + not recommended for children under the age of 15 years old.

Monkey Grip - Helen Garner
A woman dates a junkie. They break up. They get back together. They break up. They get back together. They break up. They get back together. They break up. They get back together. They break up.
Rating: Book could have ended sooner or kept going, it would still be the same ending. Read if you are a fan of repetition.

Carrie - Stephen King
A girl gets picked on by all the cool kids. She gets her period in the school shower. Her mum's a bitch. She is voted prom queen as a prank. Pigs blood gets dropped on her. She goes on a rampage and fucks everyone up with her magic powers.
Rating: The part where she fucks everyone up is intense!


* May contain spoilers.